What are you holding onto (regretting) from the past? is the prompt this week.
I’m sure there are other smaller things, but only this issue comes to mind, however much I try to think of something to write instead!
As much as I believe I would never go back to my ex-partner – and doubt he would ever wish me back – my dreams recently seem to be telling me otherwise. I’m very often waking from confused dreams where we are living together and the children are young again. That has to be a sign that I still grieve for our family break-up, even after almost seven years. I don’t quite know what to make of it – maybe that just as with bereavement for the death of someone very close, the wound never quite heals perhaps.
I think it’s much more for the ‘family unity’ than the personal relationship that I grieve. For example, the kids feeling they can’t invite both of us to the same thing means that one or other of us has to miss out. Especially with our daughter, she’ll always favour her father because he’s the one with money to spare. So I expect to have to miss out on things like eighteenth birthday and engagement celebrations and eventually perhaps even her wedding day.
It’s a similar story with my grandchildren and their mother (seperated from my son) – step-grandad has more money to spend on better presents so blood-grandmother has to take second place and he gets priority around Christmas and birthday arrangements. It annoys me more because he never used to bother when we were together and seems to use it now just to out-do me and keep his place ahead of me.
Even if I had the money, I wouldn’t rush out to try and beat him in the presents stakes and won’t share what I think of these two young ladies and their attitudes, my guess is you can imagine.
Yup, definitely still holding onto plenty of grief and feeling aggrieved according to those words and the tears rolling down my face!
Well, I guess that’s quite a big piece of baggage I’m hanging onto there, now, how do I let it go… I’m hoping those dreams stop now I’ve aired this too!