all in good time? …MLA (post intended 1st March!)

{This post was ready on 1st March. Human error: I seem to have only saved it to draft, and forgotten to publish. I can hardly believe it!}


happy new year!

(I’m being archaic, i know, but traditionally, the new year starts here, tomorrow, 1st March!)

And maybe, just for a change, I can join in with this in a timely manner…

Monthly Look Ahead challenge badge (original version) designed by challenge host Cool Beans 4 dot wordpress dot com

… on exactly the day the challenge response was intended – although challenge host CoolBeans  has always welcomed my efforts, been very nice about my lateness, sporadity, scatty sometimes hightly-strung expressions of self and circumstance and so forth…

If you should wish to join in, this month’s post to pingback/comment at can be found hereI hope it’s still ok for my using the outmoded, original version of the badge for this post. I love the new one too, but February is my special month for remembrance… so are April and November… if ok, I’ll maybe change up for summer, then revert for winter, or maybe I should stick with this colour, purple. That’s ssuming I’ll sustain blogging activity this phase round, and ever hopeful 🙂

I’m actually wondering how many things I’ve listed previously that I’ve still NOT done. And I will try and remember to capitalise my ‘i’ at all times in the remainder of this post but reserve the right to not edit the first -oops, and second, occurrences 😉

“Who said don’t look back?” I am definitely looking forward to listening to music more often and participating in the meditational activities of movement and deep abdominal muscle excercise and deep-breathing, airing my lungs via crooning along with ole crones fogies like … all sorts. Grunge. Especially.

I haven’t seen the film ‘Unrest’ yet – and really should given all the hype and promotional support that it’s still garnering. [bugbare#1] I missed it when it was showing at one of our local arts theatres – but then I saw nothing of the marketing to be aware it was even showing there until after the event. That particular venue’s ticket prices are usually steeped anyway and most people with my condition might not have been well enough to get out and see it either. When the DVD is for sale on Amazon then i’ll definitely buy it, but no way am I paying for streaming content that might alter or disappear from my hard-drive or suffer hardware breakdown and thus lose it and NO way am I inputting personal data to an unknown capitalist venture project’s website just cos they made the film! It all smacks of quite concerning dubiousness from the moment I ever saw mention of it. Perhaps it’s just my suspicious mind. It is however very, very expensive for the type of film (assuming low production costs) and for the type of suggested motivations I would have expected patient-friendly accessibility and price range. Taking advantage of a disadvantaged and disabled patient community is hopefully NOT the driving force behind the project and hopefully nor is peddling to our NHS the type of drugs that the marketing made mention of. Because M.E., currently becoming recognised and labelled in the U.S. as S.E.I.D. (systemic exertion intolerance disease) is a shape-shifting monster and every individual is unique with some common factors but unique physiological/disease profile. Yet I feel an urgency to watch the film fearful it might not be evenly representative, that it may well be setting or confirming the supposed stereotypes of what severe states of my diagnosed condition are supposed to present as / look like. I’m a council estate kid (s’posedly grown-up now of course) and most of our kind never receive a diagnosis. I don’t consider myself fortunate to have been diagnosed. [bugbare#2] Diagnosis (ie. M.E.) is a blight that excuses medical negligence (such as failure to investigate and diagnose other co-morbid conditions ie. heart attacks and so on, thereby denying access to appropriate medical treatments), social neglect, systematic abuse and discrimination. So, am I looking forward to seeing the film? No. The marketing slant changed and apparently it’s ‘a love story’. I don’t particularly enjoy love stories. But yes, I am looking forward to seeing it so I can give it a fair chance and have the opportunity to form an opinion and perhaps post a review having seen the darned thing! The other dubious quality the film has is being so easily confusable with the horror film of the same name, Unrest, that apparently features real cadavers. ‘S’nuff of that. Such things shouldn’t be allowed. And for the ‘disability-focus’ version of the film I’ll one day maybe see: a look at the lady glammed up for the marketing pertaining to the main ‘real-life’ character, well her ‘look’ reminded me of Cruella daVille in the blockbuster spotty-dogs family film and it just creeps me out the more of the little I see and hear of it. And no way i’m ever leaving MY body to medical science if they gonna let dodgy film-makers do weirdo things like make the horror version of Unrest or whatever other crazy shit some people might do for ‘arts and entertainment’ and whatever.

Anyway. What AM I looking forward to this month?

My birthday! Nothing much will happen. No point making plans. I will enjoy the day as every day, in whatever way I can. (I’ll look forward to completing that poem, although it wasn’t intentional… mental note, to-do). Maybe I’ll trek to the nearest local shop for my pre-pay-lecci-credit and grab myself a small booze-up opportunity. Nothing like feeling well enough to get hammered – and the oxygenation of one’s legs the morning after can feel such a tremendous relief! Nothing else has that effect than alcohol – shame to be too ill to be able to drink the ‘recommended amounts’ as per healthy government guidelines 😉

I’ve had ‘bake a cake’ in the ‘would like to…’ section on my to-do list for what feels like forever while I have all the necessary ingredients and facility… y’know the score… erm, I might’ve given you entirely the wrong impression with that last choice of phrase and the only shit I smell on the rare occasion I walk the streets (meaning of course, being pedestrian) is that dreadfully chemical awful smelling stuff I can only guess is what anyone might mean by ‘spice’. So if I were fortunate enough to come across weed it’ll probably only be my neglected garden amidst a rush of Spring growth. Ah, if only for true medicinal relief to enjoy some gardening! What a godforsaken world/country we live in. I could try pot plants indoors. I’ll look forward to obtaining some compost (this month?) and post some pictures, if I manage to get anything growing. My seeds are reaching or beyond their use by date. Rocket. Lavender. … Not sure they’d all be suitable for indoors… I’ll have to check the packets. Too much wishful thinking and not enough getting around to it!

yeah, right! What is this, new year resolutions? Wrong time of year in spite of new year traditions to attend. I wonder what anyone did to celebrate surviving by this time of year. Well, I’ve not made my gift-giving visits yet and by now, I decided most of what few things I brought for presents wasn’t good enough, and might be lazy and throw a coin at ’em instead. Confession: I ate the chocolate goodies myself thinking they’d expire, then spotted they’d still be good by a while after April Fool’s Day, aka Easter (I just love it when that happens, cultural traditions tells us a lot.) I always feel like celebrating christmas in July when it’s warm and the sun is shining. But christmas is neither here nor there and wholly beside the point.

Getting back to better habits! Blogging habits, of course! I wrote two long posts so far this week at my main blog – you might not want to read it all but you might enjoy skimming to see my pics there. You know where to go for that one maybe, if you so wish…

Snapping! I’m looking forward to playing with more mundane everyday stuff in my artsyness ways with assemblage and photographs of assemblage type just happens to be there – clutter and the like. I like. I do these things for my ‘child-i’ (sorry, that ‘I’ has to be kept small too, otherwise it is entirely incorrect).

We had snow today! It’d be the most wonderful thing if we could just have snow at least all month! I’d so love there to be enough snow to make my mooc-inspired art project as enough snow arriving is crucial to the concept (or rather to the making and realisation of my idea) and I cannot progress nor complete until the weather improves with enough snow. My fencing getting repaired’s waiting on that unlikelihood too. (the weather improving, not snow arriving!) 

Can’t resist sharing a photo from today’s *snowfall* inspired activity:

a used firework, ie. stick and casing, showing the words sky diamonds and juxtaposed with a wall-mounted room thermometer

I know, stupid photo. maybe. But I like it. I captured it during snowfalling. A snap from the stuff that was easily to hand to celebrate while upon my pieds (aka feet, naturally). Against the backgrounds of my living room wall and refrigerator, conveniently placed for psychological warmth of the wall thermometer slightly even though the air in the room will be cold as it increases the reading and even more conveniently placed to save the distance of carrying groceries.

Know anyone who blogs stuff anything like mine? I’d love to read and see some. I suppose I should explain (in case you’re not getting my alt-text input) that , except for ‘found objects’ I don’t have fireworks in the house or garden ever other than other peopl’s used casings, eg. the one pictured: one of several I collected from my yard on firework night, 5th November last year while they were falling around me, once or twice dropping on  my head, as I stood watching those sorts of sparkling *sky diamonds* that other people not ever so closeby in my neighbourhood were sending to the heavens that peculiar evening. I prefer snowfall but don’t get quite as much souvenir value from standing on my yard in only snow, although snow has to be among the most precious material substances on earth. Anyway, rockets hitting me  wasn’t as bad as apples and oranges being lobbed at me one evening while I stood in my front garden. I wasn’t even singing. I too often don’t. Honestly.

Cooking anything at all! I just SO have to look forward to more cooking! Especially as after a two month wait I eventually managed to lift the new small appliance I’d treated myself to for Quimbley (aka Xmas) from out of the box and all the way to the scullery-shed (aka kitchen), ready for use:

a pizza cooking in a halogen air frier and the now empty pizza box standing upright beside it (partial view of both objects)
I had no idea it would be such a blindingly bright light – but otherwise happy with my latest plaything                                                                                                                                                                                 – and that pizza was perfect!

As usual, I’m looking forward to eventually catching up with my family, especially my grandkids, and especially as my new grandson entered our world a tiny few moons ago and I’ve still not got far enough to spend time with any of them. And needing to avoid all their vaccinations is a nuisance too, but so is exposure to ‘attenuated viruses’ anytime my standing in a queue, sitting on a bus, or even living in my own home with no direct or even face to face contact. “Fortunately” I don’t have immune deficiency, but over-active immune function that refuses to switch off is usually no fun either – and I not only sense the different types of causative vaccine but I sometimes perhaps show the small signs of meningitis, mumps, measles… atypical polio is the worst, maybe because I had my first polio vaccine directly on my tongue because I didn’t like sugar lumps (I think they actually contained large amounts of artificial sweeteners during a sugar shortage or something and my Dad had told me two were more than enough for a horse and I should NEVER have more than one sugar cube and having only ever tried one and it making me feel ill when I crunched it I never wanted another. So it’s all my own fault, And I’m rambling again.

I’ll look forward to rambling with less ‘woe is me’ one of these days. Why could I not have been born on any other day than the ‘woe is ME’ day! Never mind. I’ll shake loose and fancy free any ole day of any ole week. Hopefully.

So having filled more than my platter’s worth of ‘have something to look forward to’, and some irrelevant running on again, I’ve just realised that this quick post is now a whole day after – in the space of an hour – and at 1am I still need to get yesterday’s lunch! Then another almost an hour checking for typos and re-jigging and running on a bit extra. doh! So I’d bet my britches you’d be looking forward to my rounding this off as much as I am, if only you stayed the length of my drift this far. I hope you’re not left feeling as though I wasted your time, even if it looks as if I forever waste my own 🙂 If not this month, I’ll look forward to tackling the Daily Post’s revamped writing201 ‘class’, some other month. Online learning activity has been burning me out much too easy and I’m (ahem) giving myself a rest from any for a while.

I’m thinking of making some changes to my blog, such as getting off this theme and trying something different, updating leftover issues and tackling some maintenance. Any improvements you’d like to see here or any reader requests/suggestions?




Marching on – it’s MLA time again!

Here we are again as Monthly Look Ahead flies round so soon…

…and there’s much to look forward to these next few weeks. I’ll be another whole year older by the end of the month – and glad that doesn’t happen every month. Whether I’ll be any the wiser for my older age remains to be seen, but I’d hedge my bets toward ‘most unlikely’. 

As usual there’s ongoing blogging goals. I can’t be bothered to think about them much just now, kind of mapped out already and more of the same ole same ole and lots of lingering to-do’s.  I don’t know how long this ‘blogging my way back to life somehow’ might take, but I’ll get there, wherever ‘there’ might be. Maybe I just need more determination (to get a life, not to blog! LOL). This month I’m still looking to get my blogging house in order and retaking the BloggingU customisation and everyday-inspiration ‘courses’, but not from here and hopefully not in my usual scatterbrained here, there and everywhere ways…

I’ll be carrying on my appreciation of Cid Corman and delving into getting to know Frank O’Hara’s poetry better. Hopefully I’ll be immersing  with reading and experiencing poetry aplenty, learning some more about more poets and maybe even trying to write some more poems myself too. Maybe it’ll help me drag myself into being more creative in other ways too, like getting a daily drawing routine going – it’s been a failing goal for much too long. I definitely could use some better therapeutic activity time and a lot more often.

Somewhere to hand I’ve some packets of flower seeds that should still be good for sowing. Increasing exposure to natural daylight and more outdoor fresh air would be a very good idea. Fairweather gardening might be do-able in small bursts, providing winter doesn’t strike with avengeance. Even if it does, there should be some window for gardening type enjoyment and the fencing really needs patching and propping up more sufficiently.

This panel doesn’t really need my shadow to prop it up, unlike other parts in need of more than my shadow…

Although I’ve not yet made it onto the bouncerciser at all yet, nor my wii-fit, and even though excercise can be counterproductive they are at least available if ever I feel up to some. I live in hope. I used to love walking, just getting anywhere at all under your own steam, but my capacity and tolerance has been reducing year on year for the last eight years. It’s quite concerning to now, or still, be at this current stage and on the one hand seems totally unrealistic to be even thinking about excercise and on the other hand seems totally defeatist not to be. I’m managing up and down the stairs a bit better again – and quite often in comparison to a while ago. So, being grateful for small mercies…

I’ve been managing to eat more regularly without cooking much as such and have restarted co-enzymeQ10 supplements. They’re no good without good food enough and food’s not much good with insufficient enzyme production. So keeping up with food and nutrition and making sure to enjoy food is definitely on the menu again. Washing up may be off the cards most days of the week but I’m making sure not to make much of it by labour-saving strategies and by letting it wait around looking like still life. I even got photos to prove it but I’m not sharing those here and now. I might draw from them when I’ve washed up forgetting to get round to drawing any beforehand.

Anything else besides will be an added and appreciated bonus and be bound to get a mention – I almost forgot to add that I’ve managed quite a lot of reading books for pleasure these last few weeks. That makes a nice change. I’m quite enjoying reading Scott Nicholson’s post-apocalyptic ‘After’ series, they’re quite an easy read and very more-ish; I already finished the four books of his that I bought and so need to buy more – or find a better way of getting kindle books and ending my boycott, cos kindle versions are loads cheaper as well as having the environmental advantage and the instant delivery. Yet a real book will still work for very much longer than any gadget and there’s nothing quite like turning a page.

I haven’t forgotten my family, honestly, even if it’s not what it looks like; we’re quite long overdue for a visit but will get around to it eventually, one of these days…


Monthly Look Ahead event hosted by Coolbeans4, visit their post for March here


February 2017’s Monthly Look Ahead

It seems like only a few days ago I was making January’s MLA post but I managed to achieve some of things in that post (in spite of my lately stresshead phase).

I write this post to join in with the event created by Coolbeans. I enjoy visiting there, even though I don’t share a similar zeal for watching movies or TV, it’s an uplifting blog to read. I liked the idea of using this event for my blogging strategy mostly, to make a monthly plan and set myself some goals. I can’t really plan for any other kind of activity much at all. Keeping up with anything consistently is quite difficult, but the laptop helps keep me awake, so, here we are again, only a day late this time. Hooray!


I’m using Coolbeans’ original event emblem pic this month (and hoping they don’t mind!) – this is for the purple reminding of remembrance.

February is a significant month for me relating to the loss of both my parents.My Dad died over 20years ago and my Mum’s death was just last year.


26 days of February to go… nowhere as fast as ever, on the slow

o does a todo list work in any blog theme or just P2? apparently it doesn’t work here!

  1. Blogging101 / writing101 refresh, SloPo and whatever other learning practises I can manage, trying to regain some increase to cognitive activity levels, while physically exhausted and too soon in pain to manage anything much when up on my feet. I must try not to wear myself out so much whenever, whatever.
  2. Still temp volunteering a little at Blogger’s World (front-end only posting-level access only, no admin responsibilities there); an authorstory to write for 9th, having had a break from posting for it and very grateful to others for taking up the call for posts. I messed up my attempt at helping for a creative writing post, but I’m not practised enough in formal writing, for one thing. Sincere apologies to Pam and others for failing that commitment! Shakespeare401 to work toward for May.
  3. Still needing to visit blogging neighbours more, but reading fatigue not helped by stress of impossible wifi access issues on and off for whatever reasons. I waste too much time unable to escape the stress impacts of the silliest little things! I can’t just ‘go do something less boring instead’ to recall that jingle line of an old fave UK kid’s program, called “Why Don’t You…?”
  4. With contagious cycles of current new onset illness (contracted while out shopping on August 27th 2016) and this negatively impacting my M.E. and other health issues, it’s unlikely I’ll be getting anywhere out and about much at all this month.But I can do very small excercise along the garden path or in the street sometimes (contagion is only a mucoid / close contact risk, potentially, apparently). Funny how the general population have no regard for preventing spread of their own contagions, generally, while some of us have to confine ourselves as if lepers! Maybe because people believe so much absurd NHS misinformation and can’t be bothered to uncover the facts that lay beyond two clicks deep. Socially transmitted diseases mislabelled as STD is also very annoying, so is denying healthcare to M.E. patients so as ‘not to pander to the idea of being physically ill’!
  5. Anyway, I’ve steamed ahead with getting it together better at SwishingUp. It’s been on the P2 theme for ages, but in blog style rather than using it in message-board format. Unfortunately, trying to return the ‘Edit’ label to the posts and pages by ticking an option for ‘front-end editing’ has ruined it and there’s no way to return to my previous chosen style using that theme. I managed some extra customisation there and have more admin practise ‘work’ to do there yet. I might have to look for a new theme similar to how I had it there before or just remove and reapply the theme. Doh! Still don’t know how margins got removed and other stuff messed up there…
  6. I’m still blogging all over the place now and then! Sorry if it’s confusing to have different ‘rooms’ – is it easier to think of them as just a row of scatty notebooks on a wordpress shelf? I know I’m not the only one practising content in different themes. I’ve got to get back to speed at Snailzpace Daily too while Stu’s away so much! Next to music, blogging’s good ‘medicine’, it seems.
  7. I’m still trying to gear up to doing something creative every day, like managing a small daily sketch – but the day often runs itself out without even cooking a proper meal or doing basic things. No good forcing myself off my blog(s), it doesn’t help to fail to achieve anything! I’ve even failed keeping my handscrawled ‘daybook’ again after a fairly good start for a few small days last month. I did this, I did that, gets a bit depressing! I would like to keep a journal but never have yet and if I can’t keep up with entering my daily detail in a simple diary, then, well… I just need to keep myself going somehow better.
  8. Hopefully this month I’ll continue what I intended to post for the DP ‘transcript’ prompt, although that could keep going a while too, here and there; then there’s ‘The memory of things’ that really caught my fancy as an inspiring topic.
  9. Nutritional improvements are quite a necessity as is,
  10. spring cleaning and domestic reorganisation(!) one square yard or cubic foot at a time!




2017 and the Monthly Look Ahead!


click to visit Coolbeans MonthlyLookAhead post

I’m late again! “Better late than never!” tends to be my recurring mantra, for quite some time now… I could add to my usual excuse of ongoing ill health to those frustrating tech difficulties that I’ve wasted so much time on lately! I could have set up my new toy, but want to be awake and concentrating well when I do! I set this thing up in a fuzzy haze and it hasn’t helped – but then Windows10 is less clear than 98/XP were for administrative and security settings and seems to want to auto-control things. Probably just me not really sussing it better yet.

Getting back to more blogging interaction!

My blogs are in quite a shoddy mess, and need some #blogging101 refreshing! Underway, whenever…

I managed a little blog reading and interaction recently from my now aging mobile phone – but isn’t technology made so quickly obsolete these days! I’m very much regretting not Continue reading “2017 and the Monthly Look Ahead!”

Not letting go – Sandbox Challenge #27

What are you holding onto (regretting) from the past? is the prompt this week.

I’m sure there are other smaller things, but only this issue comes to mind, however much I try to think of something to write instead!

As much as I believe I would never go back to my ex-partner – and doubt he would ever wish me back – my dreams recently seem to be telling me otherwise. I’m very often waking from confused dreams where we are living together and the children are young again. That has to be a sign that I still grieve for our family break-up, even after almost seven years. I don’t quite know what to make of it – maybe that just as with bereavement for the death of someone very close, the wound never quite heals perhaps.

I think it’s much more for the ‘family unity’ than the personal relationship that I grieve. For example, the kids feeling they can’t invite both of us to the same thing means that one or other of us has to miss out. Especially with our daughter, she’ll always favour her father because he’s the one with money to spare. So I expect to have to miss out on things like eighteenth birthday and engagement celebrations and eventually perhaps even her wedding day.

It’s a similar story with my grandchildren and their mother (seperated from my son) – step-grandad has more money to spend on better presents so blood-grandmother has to take second place and he gets priority around Christmas and birthday arrangements. It annoys me more because he never used to bother when we were together and seems to use it now just to out-do me and keep his place ahead of me.

Even if I had the money, I wouldn’t rush out to try and beat him in the presents stakes and won’t share what I think of these two young ladies and their attitudes, my guess is you can imagine.

Yup, definitely still holding onto plenty of grief and feeling aggrieved according to those words and the tears rolling down my face!

Well, I guess that’s quite a big piece of baggage I’m hanging onto there, now, how do I let it go… I’m hoping those dreams stop now I’ve aired this too!


Writing365 #5 – Imagine…

Imagine I might have been out anywhere to observe people and imagine their lives… I made it out of the house briefly three times last month, an increase on previous months. I could try and think back to one of those, who do I remember seeing on my way to, from or during my visit to the nearest shop. Or I could just make it up from a collage of memory fragments and then imagine. Maybe I should just imagine myself getting a life…

Or maybe save it for an excercise another day. Perhaps one morning or afternoon I could spend a few minutes or more on my front garden observing who happens to walk past and imagining their lives. Or I could imagine the life of my postman. Or I could avoid writing to this prompt altogether.

(Download the WordPress ebook of writing prompts here)

It’s getting late, today’s not been a good day for energy. Not that any are but I managed a fair bit of writing this week – if you call things like a few short blog posts, one 1500word rant and a 500 word story ‘a fair bit of writing’.

I thought I was managing to pace myself well lately but today I was so wiped out. Blogging’s been my main exertion this week and so the main source of my exhaustion – other than perhaps the impact of stress for an unexpected correspondence of debt recovery for an issue I’d believed to have been settled and then another piece of stressful news also affecting my income.

It’s really difficult managing energy and activity levels when you think you’ll be ok but it hits you like a brick to the head a day or two after effort, or ongoing efforts build up and accumulate and swallow you whole when you least expect it. Especially when those efforts are such small things.

I’m a bit fed up that summer’s passed so quickly and I’ve not had the health improvements I’d hoped for while the weather’s been warmer. I was only actually warm for about a month, once the temperature reached twenty-six degrees I was warm enough. I’m already starting to feel really cold again and not looking forward to having to wear a hat indoors again within a few weeks.

Writing 101 starts Monday. I’m looking forward to it but will have to be quite strict on myself regarding reading and feedback time because it is so draining , especially when it is every day assignments.

I signed up for the Coursera Modern Poetry MOOC weeks ago and just realised that starts later this week too. I don’t expect I’ll manage to do that much learning time or manage the intensity of discussion and critique. I think it suggested it would take at least five hours of study time a week – for me that five hours might actually take fifteen. I might just try and follow the course minimally, loosely and leisurely rather than abandon any hope. I’ll have to see how it works and if that’s viable. Ten weeks is also pushing my sustainability limitations. If it’s like the last online courses I enrolled to I’ll get no further than the first week to find I really don’t have the cognitive energy to watch video lectures or do the required coursework. (I didn’t count blogging101 in that statement, as it’s not a course in quite the same way, nor is writing101  – they’re challenging enough and good learning opportunities and practise experiences but in an accessible, non-academic way, which is great.)

So, I haven’t yet made a blogging schedule or editorial calendar as per blogging101 task suggestions because with doing this writing365 thing i seem to have set myself to do each day, with the Sandbox writing challenge and the creativity carnival, I kind of have a flexible schedule to meet in a non-pressured way and writing101 will extend that. So no need really for a schedule until about four to six weeks by which time I’ll have a range of baseline activity info to use to plan what is a sustainable level and set realsitic goals. I might not take another wordpress course unless poetry comes up next or until it does, depends what’s on offer really. Anyway, I’m talking to myself again and I really should stop.